A study break for LOVE

So, I've decided to take a study break and write a new post while I eat my very fattening Chic-fil-A sandwich and fries. Lately I've been pondering the idea of love, first love and young love mainly. And, I think I now understand why people always say that your first love will always be different from all the rest in your life. If you find your first love at a young age, you most likely TRULY believe that you have found your perfect match. You whole-heartedly believe that you two will end up together, and you probably have an "its us against the world" type of attitude. That is what makes first loves are so much different than anything else you will find in your life. Most people who find this in their teens don't believe they have found their "first love", they believe they have found their ONLY love. I know that's surely what I thought. And while being in love that way makes it 1000 times more difficult when/if things don't work out, it is also what makes it so beautiful. You are completely fearless in this love. And sure, that's what makes it naive at the same time, but that's why there isn't anything else like it. How many times in your life can you say you're absolutely confident that nothing could possibly go wrong? It's that type of haphazzard bravery that you only have when you're young. You haven't been jaded by having your heart broken, so you don't even entertain that possibility in your mind. If you are lucky enough to be with your "first love" for the rest of your life, then that is amazing, because it means you were right. Nothing went wrong, and you actually did find your perfect match. But, for the rest of us, we have to go on, having had our hearts broken, and be brave enough to dive in again. That's why all future relationships will be different after that first big break up. You know what that pain feels like, and fearing that feeling again might make you approach things differently.

I'm not sure if I'm getting my point across as clearly as I had hoped, but I know what I mean and that's all that maters. All I know is, nobody's life goes according to plan. Something will always pop up that you had no idea would, and that is what keeps life interesting. Am I glad I got my heart broken? Hell no. But, I'm a better and stronger person for having lived through it, that's for sure. To be cliche, you live and you learn. And I surely did learn my lesson. Life isn't a fairytale, but you can make it a hell of a good story nonetheless.

Ok, back to work. =)

m.m.a.

A few of my favorite things...

--my new blue shades
--my coral satin trench coat
--my green suede shoes
--my Easter Bunny: CHUCK

<3

Jon McLaughlin

Tonight I've just been laying in my bed and listening to music and looking up lyrics to songs. I like to look at just the lyrics to songs sometimes because I feel like that's the original art. It's the poetry. And, usually, it's the part that speaks to me the most. This weekend I listened to an artist named Jon McLaughlin. I first discovered Jon when I went to and event my freshmen year called "After Dark" hosted by Cru here at IU. Jon was the opening act for the program. He is from Anderson, Indiana and has a really cool story. Besides the fact that he is a textbook hottie, some of his songs just speak to me. I wish I could write poetry and music and speak to people that way. Here are my favorite lyrics:

From "Indiana" (the title track of his 2007 album):

"I'm glad i never lived next to the water
So I could never get used to the beach
And I'm glad I never grew up on a mountain
To figure out how high the world could reach
I love the miles between me and the city
Where I quietly imagine every street
And I'm glad I'm only picturing the moment"

From "Human":

"Can you tell me how we got in this situation
I can't seem to get you off my mind
All these ups and downs they
They trip up our good intentions
Nobody said this was an easy ride

After all, we're only human
Always fighting what we're feeling
Hurt instead of healing
After all we're only human
Is there any other reason
Why we stay instead of leaving
After all

Can we get back to the point in this conversation
Where we saw things through each other's eyes
Cause now all I see is ruin and devastation
We all need some place we can hide inside"

That is all from me tonight.

Good evening,

M.M.A.

?

Sometimes I can feel myself breaking down. Usually, it's not because of other people, it's because of myself. The one person in my life that frustrates me the most is me. I do things and don't know why I do them. And the opposite. I don't do things I should and have no excuse why. It's so hard to change when you are the only person holding yourself accountable. But, that's just it, I am the only person responsible for me. Maybe the thought of that right now is just too scary for me. I've recently realized that I haven't really been challenged in my life. Yes, I know it is my job to challenge myself if I want that, but I'm talking about since I started school. I feel I was never challenged to reach a higher potential. I wasn't tested for "spice" and instead breezed my way through junior high with all A's every single grading period (except one B+ in band that we don't talk about). For me, school was easy, and not very challenging at all. I'm not a genius, not even close, but I really did coast my way through elementary school, jr. high, and most of high school. I didn't coast because I was lazy, I think I got lazy because I had always been able to coast. I'm not sure if that even makes sense, but I kind of understand what it means. I have realized that I approach school now in the same way that I used to. I was never taught any different.
Some parents feel they should push their children to become great at...something. Whatever they choose. Whether it's a sport, school, music, or all three they usually push their kids. My parents didn't really push me. I'm not blaming them for anything, more just trying to understand myself. Trying to understand how I grew into this 21-year-old college junior at Indiana University. I spend so much time trying to understand others and their backgrounds that I have forgotten to examine my own.

Sometimes I'm sad and I can't even pin point why. I try to blame it on the easy thing, but it's usually not the case. I think I make myself sad. I get so disappointed in myself internally, that it depresses me.

Today, on the car ride back from Indianapolis, Lo and I listened to "Reflection" from the move Mulan. Listening to disney songs always brings back great memories for me, but this silly song acutally made me think. What does my reflection show? Not my physical reflection, because let's face it, no woman is ever 100% happy with that situation, but I mean my reflection as a person. What does my life reflect about me? Not a whole lot, I'd say. Sometimes there are those things that say like, "choose three words to describe yourself". When I try to think of three words or adjectives, I have no idea what ones to choose. I don't know what my three words are.

I guess I'm learning that I still really need to come into my own. Whatever that is. It's such a general statement, but I feel like I know what it means now. I don't know, exactly where to begin, but some changes must be made.

College is rough. End of story.

Sincerely,

Marisa Michelle Amos