I Am Second

So, this afternoon I was messing around on Facebook and avoiding my homework, as usual. When I looked at the status updates of my friends at the top of the list was someone who had posted a link to a website as their status. I decided to click and check it out. The link brought me to a website called "I Am Second." (www.iamsecond.com) This is a site I have never heard of or been exposed to before. I started to check it out and I began watching some of the videos on the site. I was immediately moved and inspired by the people's stories. It lead me to think of my own story, my own testimony, and my own faith. Am I putting myself second? No..I don't think I am.

I consider myself to be a Christian. When I was growing up my family went to church every Sunday and I sat there with my sister and cousins and drew on the little pieces of paper in the pews with the tiny little pencils. Then we would go to "Children's Time" up int he front of the church before being dismissed to either Sunday school. I was also in the children's choir for a short time. I have a ton of memories at that Church, but hardly any of them includ anything about God. As my sister and I got older we started to get lazy and we wouldn't want to wake up for church. My parents evenutally gave in to the struggle and we stopped going. I went through most of junior high and high school not knowing what it ACTUALLY meant to be a Christian.

The image I had in my head about Christians quickly developed as I grew older. I saw them as people who would judge me and wouldn't accept me for some reason. I saw them as mean at times, and very biased. I didn't like what I saw in these people, and that's why I never tried to just understand them. I was put-off by the whole thing. I didn't want to be involved, I didn't care, I didn't believe. It's unfortunate that many people act the way I described. They are unkind, but usually with better intentions than they are displaying. The fire running through them comes from a good place, but many people would never know it.

My senior year of high school brought a lot of change to my life. New boyfriend, choosing a college, and I found my faith this year as well. When my boyfriend at the time took me a long to youth group one night, I was nervous beyond belief. I did not want to go into that situation and be around that "type" of people. I stuck to him like glue. But, being there was fun. The people were great! They were nice and friendly and they made me feel comfortable. I found a change in myself that night. I began to feel something different. We were praying for a student's family from another school that had just been killed in a car accident, and that's when I first noticed it. I felt so much faith surrounding me, it was very strange at first. I found myself lifting my head and just looking at everyone else who was praying so hard. I started to feel very emotional during the prayer just seeing everyone else praying with their eyes closed and hands held with one another. I recognized it as beautiful.

At the end of youth group was the time when worship happened through music. I found the words and meaning behind each song were saying so much more than was actually written. Of course I could barely sing along with any of them because I didn't know the words or the tune really. But, I mostly tried to observe and take in what was going on around me. Sure, you have those younger kids who are goofing off, but there are also the rest of the people. The ones that are standing there and they are singing whole-heartedly. They believe in the words on the screen and they sing them like they believe them. It made me want to believe everything they were believing. I wanted to feel what they were feeling, and that night, I had already felt different. I think I actually felt God in my life for the first time that day.

After a few more weeks of youth group and Sunday services, I felt I was ready to say the prayer and accept Jesus into my heart. I was ready to be "saved." After I did this, I really felt different. I felt like now, I had God whenever I needed him. I wanted to pray and I wanted that security in my life, and I had it.

These days things are different for me. Being a Christian is kind of a constant struggle to do what you know is right. I know I have to ability and the time to be that person I want to be, but sometimes I just feel like it's hard to accomplish at this age. there are so many options of what I could be doing that it's almost like I'm procrastinating being that person. Like I just tell myself that I'll have the time and the responsibility to do that later in life. It's something I struggle with. I am still a Christian, but I haven't been a very strong one lately. I'm not doing anything with my faith or for God right now. It eats away at me at times, but other times I know I'll find the way.

I want to start praying every night again before I fall asleep. It's not like it takes much, you know? But, for some reason it's so easy to just skip it and go to sleep. I used to pray every night for my family, my rommates, my other friends, and other people that I care about it in my life. I'm going to start doing that again. It's not exactly where I want to be, but it's a start at getting back on track.

Life:

I need to get my life together. I need to stop being so lazy and just riding the wave and be more proactive about certain things.

Item 1) School- I need to work harder at my school work to finish it on time. No more putting things off until 2am. I need to start earlier and work more diligently.
Item 2)Room- I need to keep up the cleanliness of my room and Chuck's cage as well. I just feel like when your room is clean, it sets the tone for a clean and clutter-free life.
Item 3) Body-I have gained unwanted pounds since school started up again, and that needs to stop. I need to get my butt in the gym and stop the junk food crave.
Item 4) Health- I currently have a sinus infection accompanied with strep throat. I feel as though I could have prevented this if I would have just taken my vitamins I bought and got some better sleep.
Item5) Sleep-I need to go to bed earlier and wake up earlier. This crazy sleep schedule is probably most of the reason I'm feeling so unhealthy.
Item 6) Car- I need to clean my car and keep it that way. I also need to get my oil changed and make sure I keep up with that. The poor baby has enough problems as it is.
Item 7) Job-Don't have one. NEED ONE.

I think that once I take the necessary steps to get these things in order, I will just have less stress and more enjoyable time to do other things.

There I have put this in writing, so that means I can't back out. Right? Hope so.

Back to studying now.

Good Evening,

m.m.a.

They don't understand..

I don't see why it's so hard for guys to grasp the concept of how us ladies think sometimes. Let me tell you what I'm talking about exactly. Guys don't understand why it's such a big deal if they want to cancel a plan with you to go hang out with friends or something. Now even if this plan was nothing major and completely casual, a girl will most likely be sad and disappointed if this plan gets canceled for a reason she doesn't understand. You see, if she doesn't understand the reason then she will think it's because you don't want to hang out with her. That guy can tell her that's not the reason, but if he wanted to be hanging out with you...he would.

Now, don't get me wrong. I'm not saying that guys can't cancel plans on a lady-friend if the appropriate situation calls for it, but don't do it just to hang out with other people. Because, most likely, this girl you canceled on, has tried to look cute for you. Maybe she did her hair and threw on some make-up just for this casual hang out. Maybe she put on a shirt she knew that you liked and sprayed it with perfume she knows you like as well. When a girl likes a guy, every "hang out" is important to them, even if it's not a date. I'm not saying it's life or death here, but they think about this stuff usually. We analyze to try and figure out how things are going and what we can do to make you like us even more or at least keep you interested. Right ladies?

A word of advice to you gentlemen out there: Don't text 15 minutes before you are supposed to hang out with a girl that you are "dating" or might date or just even like and you know she likes you back, even if it's to just watch a stupid TV show with her, and CANCEL with no good reason in mind. And actually, this really goes for all people. You don't just cancel a plan with someone on such short notice for no good reason. It just makes you look rude and inconsiderate. It makes it seem like that plan was now trumped by something else that was better that came along. And when you know what the person is choosing to do instead of that plan you had with them and it's just something normal and unexciting, then you'll feel like crap. Because it's like, "Really? That is why you canceled on me? To go eat food court food with your friend you've been hanging out with all day? Oh, okay. I guess that's better then hanging out with me."

Sorry for my dating rant. I'm done now, and I feel better. :)

Good Evening,

m.m.a.

Fresh.

Sometimes things get a chance to start anew. That doesn't mean the past has disappeared, but it means that the present can be something positive and fresh. I'm comfortable with my situation, and I'm actually quite happy with everything that is happening in my life right now. Oh, and my birthday is on Friday. -21-

PARTY!

Winter Love

My favortite days of winter are the rarest days in the world. It's those days where we already have a nice blanket of snow on the ground, maybe 6" or even a foot, but the sun is shining as if it were July. Even though it is bright on these days, it's still cold, very cold...frigid. There are still clouds in the sky that are sprinkling the ground with those nickel-sized, perfect snowflakes. There is no harsh wind on a day like that, just the brisk air, white snow, and trickling flakes that are in no hurry to reach the earth's surface. Maybe it's because I'm a winter baby, but I live and I love for those days. Sometimes I think that is what love feels like to me. The perfect winter day. It's easy to find the perfect summer, spring, or fall day. But, a PERFECT winter day is not easy to come by. You never know when a day like that is going to happen. The weather man can't tell you, and you can't wake up knowing. You just have to walk outside and feel it. You have to look up and feel those flakes land slowly on your cheeks. When you do, then you'll know. Just like love.

Everyone, including myself, complains about winter. It's such a struggle. You get excited for the snow, for the sledding, for the snowball fights...but then, you realize it's cold, and then you hate the snow and the freezing rain, and everything else that comes with Indiana winters. You are ready for Spring before January even begins. I have been a ball of complaints about this cold weather for the last week or so, but I'm going to stop now. I'm going to start hoping for a perfect winter day. Maybe I won't get to see one this year. They are more likely to happen up north instead of down here where we don't get as much snow, but maybe I'll get something close while I'm here. Maybe I will see a Bloomington version of my perfect winter day. I'm going to keep filling my heart with joy and hope because that is the kind of person I want to be. Not that I want to be /Miss Annoyingly Happy All The Time/, but I want to go through life knowing love is out there, just like those perfect winter days. You can't go out there expecting it will happen today or find you tomorrow, but have faith that it will someday.

Good Day,

m.m.a.

Some Food for Thought

Today was the first day that I cooked an actual meal in a very long time. I almost forgot how much I love to cook. While I was preparing my food, I thought about how so many things in our lives must be carefully calibrated, just like the way we cook a meal. Some things can't be rushed. You can't just turn up the heat and give in to your extreme hunger so that the meat will cook faster, the outside will get burned and the center will be left raw. Your meal will be ruined before you realize your mistake. Then you will be left unfulfilled and probably hungrier than before. Food, like many aspects and other things in our lives, is very delicate. Preparing it takes time, patience, and care. If you want the end result to be satisfying then you have to take the necessary steps to make sure it gets there.

Lots of things in life tempt us to just rush in and turn up that heat, but we forget how easy it is to get burned. All we think about at the time is how hungry we are. It's a great thing to be able to have a certain patience, because I think people that have patience are people that show a lot of strength. That is the kind of person I want to be. I want to live my life with a lot more strengths than weaknesses.
I'm working on it.

Good Evening,

m.m.a.

Normal-a sliding scale.

It has been way too long since I have posted anything on here, so here it goes. I don't think my lack of blogging has been due to lack of subjects, it think it's because I have too many to choose from. First, let's start out by announcing that it is 4:07am and I am awake. I'm not just awake, I'm WIDE awake. This is what break does to people, it messes schedules up, and bad. I stay up late, and then hate myself for sleeping late the next day, what a waste of daylight. I wish I was one of those people who could just run on nothing. You know? Those people who just never seem to need sleep or a nap or to rest at all. They just GO...all the time. I'm not one of those people. I love to sleep. I feel sleep is the ultimate form of relaxation, rejuvination, and many other "re" words. Come next week when classes start, and I have to change this schedule my body has been on completely, it's not going to be pretty for a few days. I'll be cranky and tired all day, many naps will surely be taken. But, a new schedule will soon form, and things will feel "normal" once again.

That brings me to my next subject. This concept of normalcy, what does that mean for me? The word normal is one that is talked about and studied inside and outside of classrooms today. What does it mean to you? To society? How does it relate to other societies? When I think about the word right now, I think only about what it means to me. What is normal-feeling to Marisa? I ask myself this question becuase I don't think I've felt very normal (for how it pertains to me) in a pretty long time. As things keep changing and twisitng in my life, it slightly shifts that hint of normality I may have felt. A conversation happens and it changes things, there's another shift. I'm constatntly on this push and pull with my own life. I think this is part of becomming an adult. You have to learn to find this balance when things change. I've learned that the only way to find this balance every day, or when things shift and change, is to simply tell yourself that you are in control of your life. You have to know where YOU are in your own life. Once you know that, you can better handle curve balls that life throws at you.

I've learned that my life is ever-changing, there will never be a moment where it will just stand still. Who wants that, anyway? I want to keep growing and learning and sharing and playing.

The title of this blog is "Growth" for a reason. I have to keep moving forward with my life, whatever that means. I have to be in a position where I feel comfortable, where I don't feel pain and regret. I have to make sure that I am putting myself in that position every day. I am in control of where I am in my own life, and so are you.

good morning,

m.m.a.