So, this afternoon I was messing around on Facebook and avoiding my homework, as usual. When I looked at the status updates of my friends at the top of the list was someone who had posted a link to a website as their status. I decided to click and check it out. The link brought me to a website called "I Am Second." (
www.iamsecond.com) This is a site I have never heard of or been exposed to before. I started to check it out and I began watching some of the videos on the site. I was immediately moved and inspired by the people's stories. It lead me to think of my own story, my own testimony, and my own faith. Am I putting myself second? No..I don't think I am.
I consider myself to be a Christian. When I was growing up my family went to church every Sunday and I sat there with my sister and cousins and drew on the little pieces of paper in the pews with the tiny little pencils. Then we would go to "Children's Time" up int he front of the church before being dismissed to either Sunday school. I was also in the children's choir for a short time. I have a ton of memories at that Church, but hardly any of them includ anything about God. As my sister and I got older we started to get lazy and we wouldn't want to wake up for church. My parents evenutally gave in to the struggle and we stopped going. I went through most of junior high and high school not knowing what it ACTUALLY meant to be a Christian.
The image I had in my head about Christians quickly developed as I grew older. I saw them as people who would judge me and wouldn't accept me for some reason. I saw them as mean at times, and very biased. I didn't like what I saw in these people, and that's why I never tried to just understand them. I was put-off by the whole thing. I didn't want to be involved, I didn't care, I didn't believe. It's unfortunate that many people act the way I described. They are unkind, but usually with better intentions than they are displaying. The fire running through them comes from a good place, but many people would never know it.
My senior year of high school brought a lot of change to my life. New boyfriend, choosing a college, and I found my faith this year as well. When my boyfriend at the time took me a long to youth group one night, I was nervous beyond belief. I did not want to go into that situation and be around that "type" of people. I stuck to him like glue. But, being there was fun. The people were great! They were nice and friendly and they made me feel comfortable. I found a change in myself that night. I began to feel something different. We were praying for a student's family from another school that had just been killed in a car accident, and that's when I first noticed it. I felt so much faith surrounding me, it was very strange at first. I found myself lifting my head and just looking at everyone else who was praying so hard. I started to feel very emotional during the prayer just seeing everyone else praying with their eyes closed and hands held with one another. I recognized it as beautiful.
At the end of youth group was the time when worship happened through music. I found the words and meaning behind each song were saying so much more than was actually written. Of course I could barely sing along with any of them because I didn't know the words or the tune really. But, I mostly tried to observe and take in what was going on around me. Sure, you have those younger kids who are goofing off, but there are also the rest of the people. The ones that are standing there and they are singing whole-heartedly. They believe in the words on the screen and they sing them like they believe them. It made me want to believe everything they were believing. I wanted to feel what they were feeling, and that night, I had already felt different. I think I actually felt God in my life for the first time that day.
After a few more weeks of youth group and Sunday services, I felt I was ready to say the prayer and accept Jesus into my heart. I was ready to be "saved." After I did this, I really felt different. I felt like now, I had God whenever I needed him. I wanted to pray and I wanted that security in my life, and I had it.
These days things are different for me. Being a Christian is kind of a constant struggle to do what you know is right. I know I have to ability and the time to be that person I want to be, but sometimes I just feel like it's hard to accomplish at this age. there are so many options of what I could be doing that it's almost like I'm procrastinating being that person. Like I just tell myself that I'll have the time and the responsibility to do that later in life. It's something I struggle with. I am still a Christian, but I haven't been a very strong one lately. I'm not doing anything with my faith or for God right now. It eats away at me at times, but other times I know I'll find the way.
I want to start praying every night again before I fall asleep. It's not like it takes much, you know? But, for some reason it's so easy to just skip it and go to sleep. I used to pray every night for my family, my rommates, my other friends, and other people that I care about it in my life. I'm going to start doing that again. It's not exactly where I want to be, but it's a start at getting back on track.
