Here's a secret..

You want to know how you REALLY know you no longer love someone...?

...it's the day you realize you have the ability to actually hate them.

The two cannot coexist towards one person, and if you have one, then you can't have the other.

I am a person who rarely uses the word "hate" in a serious way, but for now I'm ok with it.

I HATE what you did and how you treated me.

SOOOO..unless you become a completely different person, LEAVE ME ALONE.

M.M.A.

This bridge has been burned...

THIS IS NOT A POEM:

I always gave so much,
and you took it all,
never thinking how you could give back.
You were always satisfied.

Your lies consumed all your truths,
your purity gone.

Your welcome has been worn out,
too many selfish advantages taken,
too destructive to be repaired.

Love used to cloud my vision,
It let me believe you were enough.

I would never visit the very depths of my soul,
because that's where the real truth lives,
the part of me that always knew
you were never good enough.

My vision of you is 20/20 now,
one day you will see me that way,
and your apology won't be accepted.

Our story is just a tale of two kids
who don't exist anymore.

Tat

So, I want a tattoo. I know one for sure that I will be getting eventually. I will one day have an ovarian cancer ribbon tattoo somewhere. Location TBA. My mother is an ovarian cancer survivor, and my grandmother currently has it. That tattoo would really be for them, or in their honor i guess, so I would like to get another one that is just kind of for me. I've had a few ideas, but just can't decide what I would love for the rest of my life. The front runner right now is just getting "love, love, love" somewhere. It means something to me from my great grandma, who helped raise my sis and I.

hurrrrmmmmmm.....i have a feeling that I will never make a decision.

Huurrrr

Ok, so I have a hair appointment next week..what should I do with my haiiirrr?????

--I think we have a winner..??

Pushin 5am

So, I was thinking about summer today. Since it is summer right now, I was just thinking about how much I enjoy it. There will never be another time like this. The summer that I am in college, I am 21, I am in Bloomington at IU, I have no job, few responsibilities, and wonderful friends I can see almost whenever I want. This is it. This is supposed to be the greatest summer of my life, and I think so far I'm on course for making that come true. I'm having adventures with my friends, taking lots of pictures, going to class here and there, but overall..i'm just livin the dream. Next summer I will be in an internship somewhere, and the one after that...who knows.

I think it's kind of ironic that this summer has been so great, and yet sometimes I feel so alone. Maybe your highs don't feel quite as high if you haven't recently been down at a very deep low. Does that make sense? I think it does. Anyways. At times I have these great moments of confidence where I am completely content being alone, happy about it actually. But, other times...like now, when I'm on my freakin period and emotions seem to go haywire, I absolutely hate it.

I hate laying in bed alone at night and feeling like I've already talked to everyone I can. Then they all go to bed and I am left awake and alone with all of my thoughts. TV can distract sometimes and help put me to sleep, but other times...there is nothing. There is nothing I can do to fill the emptiness; it's heartwrenching.

Honestly, I can't remember the last time I went to sleep before 4am. There have maybe been 10 times in the last 8 months where I have achieved that. It's just that ever since that day, my world turned upside down and I've been fighting to flip it back over. I know many more wonderful things have happened in these last 8 months than I ever thought possible, so I am grateful. But, it's weird constantly trying to figure out who I am and where I belong. That thing that I let define me for so long, has been gone for a really long time, and every day I wake up knowing that it's gone, and that it's okay that it's gone.

It's a very strange feeling to have this awareness of 'what used to be' versus 'what is'. It's almost like you can feel them both at the same time. If I close my eyes and think really hard...for a moment, I can feel that security I used to have, just for a moment...and then it's gone. Then I snap out of it and realize where I really am now. I see how far I've come, how much I've changed, really...I see how much I've grown up since I last had that feeling of security every day of my life. And I wouldn't trade where I am now for where I used to be, I really wouldn't. I wish I could have both. I wish I could be here and back there at the same time. This progressive me, with that old security blanket tossed over the top of me. Wouldn't that be nice? Yea, it would. But that's like asking to have your cake and eat it too, huh? It's against the rules.

I think this is the most all over the place blog I have ever written. That's what happens when you're and insomniac with nothing to do. You rant and rave and ramble. Oh well, that's how it goes. I have no good end to this so I shall end it with a random phrase. Quoting Eric Matthews from Boy Meets World: "Life's tough, get a helmet."

MJ

Today I tuned in to watch the Micheal Jackson Memorial that took place at The Staples Center in LA today. I didn't get to watch the whole thing, but I caught bits and pieces. The emotions really reached me as people, who are famous, got up and spoke, performed, and just told stories in honor of Micheal Jackson. It was amazing to seem them get up there, because they weren't there because they are celebrities, they werent' there for the publicity, they were there as friends. I found myself with goosebumps as Jennifer Hudson performed "Will you be there" backed up by the choir. I love the part of the song where Micheal speaks, and here is what he says:

"In Our Darkest Hour, In My Deepest Despair
Will You Still Care?
Will You Be There?
In My Trials And My Tripulations
Through Our Doubts And Frustrations
In My Violence, In My Turbulence
Through My Fear And My Confessions
In My Anguish And My Pain
Through My Joy And My Sorrow
In The Promise Of Another Tomorrow
I'll Never Let You Part
For You're Always In My Heart."

He was the King and he will live on forever.

RIP MJ

<3