Sometimes I can feel myself breaking down. Usually, it's not because of other people, it's because of myself. The one person in my life that frustrates me the most is me. I do things and don't know why I do them. And the opposite. I don't do things I should and have no excuse why. It's so hard to change when you are the only person holding yourself accountable. But, that's just it, I am the only person responsible for me. Maybe the thought of that right now is just too scary for me. I've recently realized that I haven't really been challenged in my life. Yes, I know it is my job to challenge myself if I want that, but I'm talking about since I started school. I feel I was never challenged to reach a higher potential. I wasn't tested for "spice" and instead breezed my way through junior high with all A's every single grading period (except one B+ in band that we don't talk about). For me, school was easy, and not very challenging at all. I'm not a genius, not even close, but I really did coast my way through elementary school, jr. high, and most of high school. I didn't coast because I was lazy, I think I got lazy because I had always been able to coast. I'm not sure if that even makes sense, but I kind of understand what it means. I have realized that I approach school now in the same way that I used to. I was never taught any different.
Some parents feel they should push their children to become great at...something. Whatever they choose. Whether it's a sport, school, music, or all three they usually push their kids. My parents didn't really push me. I'm not blaming them for anything, more just trying to understand myself. Trying to understand how I grew into this 21-year-old college junior at Indiana University. I spend so much time trying to understand others and their backgrounds that I have forgotten to examine my own.
Sometimes I'm sad and I can't even pin point why. I try to blame it on the easy thing, but it's usually not the case. I think I make myself sad. I get so disappointed in myself internally, that it depresses me.
Today, on the car ride back from Indianapolis, Lo and I listened to "Reflection" from the move Mulan. Listening to disney songs always brings back great memories for me, but this silly song acutally made me think. What does my reflection show? Not my physical reflection, because let's face it, no woman is ever 100% happy with that situation, but I mean my reflection as a person. What does my life reflect about me? Not a whole lot, I'd say. Sometimes there are those things that say like, "choose three words to describe yourself". When I try to think of three words or adjectives, I have no idea what ones to choose. I don't know what my three words are.
I guess I'm learning that I still really need to come into my own. Whatever that is. It's such a general statement, but I feel like I know what it means now. I don't know, exactly where to begin, but some changes must be made.
College is rough. End of story.
Sincerely,
Marisa Michelle Amos
Skins
11 years ago
2 comments:
I love the new layout! I'm thinking of revamping mine as well, but I'm too picky and it would take forever.
I really like this post a lot. I think we are all at that place in our lives when we start to examine what we've done in the past, because we are deciding what we want to do in the future. Very few of us actually have an impressive resume of the things we've done in our lives up to this point, and I think that's ok.
The truly important thing is when you make the decision in your mind, that despite having not done much in your life in the past, you know you WANT to do more in the future. You recognize your life has been lacking, and you know there are changes you want to make.
And then you just have to take the changes, maybe even write them down, and then you just have to do them. You have to turn yourself into the kind of person who is going to make those changes, and you have to stick to it. Dedicate yourself to change, to turning yourself into the person you want to be.
In the search for ones' contributions to society, family, and ones self, I think it is important to remember the contributions you have made to those around you. Although you seek to understand three words that describe the woman you have become, the outside can look in to find that you have numerous amazing gifts....
Although your parents didn't drive you or inspire a change in your life to pursue academic success (even though you are brilliant) the below are things I'm grateful for when I think of you:
Compassion: you possess the ability to love unconditionally with no questions asked.
Character: You remain the girl on stage that everyone loves because you remember to live life...even with the difficult times you prevail.
Faith: You have the strength to follow your personal convictions regardless the social stigmas that outline an unforgiving society
Loyalty: You don't give up. Many times I feel so undeserving of your love because I can be so selfish, and you never give up on me...it changed my life
Courage: You remain strong through some of the most difficult situations..i.e. family, love, friendship
Beauty: Not only do you take my breath away, but our conversations inspire a change within my life. A day doesn't pass that your poetry doesn't slip my mind. When I say poetry I mean the way you word things...your optimism and strength.
Marisa Michelle Amos, you have everything you need. Don't be afraid to take the blinders off and see for yourself that you too have made numerous accomplishments and that you are exactly where you need to be at this stage in your life.
I love you, we all love you, and just as you say to me...you have amazing support systems who love you with no haste, unconditionally, for the rest of your life!
Post a Comment