Pushin 5am

So, I was thinking about summer today. Since it is summer right now, I was just thinking about how much I enjoy it. There will never be another time like this. The summer that I am in college, I am 21, I am in Bloomington at IU, I have no job, few responsibilities, and wonderful friends I can see almost whenever I want. This is it. This is supposed to be the greatest summer of my life, and I think so far I'm on course for making that come true. I'm having adventures with my friends, taking lots of pictures, going to class here and there, but overall..i'm just livin the dream. Next summer I will be in an internship somewhere, and the one after that...who knows.

I think it's kind of ironic that this summer has been so great, and yet sometimes I feel so alone. Maybe your highs don't feel quite as high if you haven't recently been down at a very deep low. Does that make sense? I think it does. Anyways. At times I have these great moments of confidence where I am completely content being alone, happy about it actually. But, other times...like now, when I'm on my freakin period and emotions seem to go haywire, I absolutely hate it.

I hate laying in bed alone at night and feeling like I've already talked to everyone I can. Then they all go to bed and I am left awake and alone with all of my thoughts. TV can distract sometimes and help put me to sleep, but other times...there is nothing. There is nothing I can do to fill the emptiness; it's heartwrenching.

Honestly, I can't remember the last time I went to sleep before 4am. There have maybe been 10 times in the last 8 months where I have achieved that. It's just that ever since that day, my world turned upside down and I've been fighting to flip it back over. I know many more wonderful things have happened in these last 8 months than I ever thought possible, so I am grateful. But, it's weird constantly trying to figure out who I am and where I belong. That thing that I let define me for so long, has been gone for a really long time, and every day I wake up knowing that it's gone, and that it's okay that it's gone.

It's a very strange feeling to have this awareness of 'what used to be' versus 'what is'. It's almost like you can feel them both at the same time. If I close my eyes and think really hard...for a moment, I can feel that security I used to have, just for a moment...and then it's gone. Then I snap out of it and realize where I really am now. I see how far I've come, how much I've changed, really...I see how much I've grown up since I last had that feeling of security every day of my life. And I wouldn't trade where I am now for where I used to be, I really wouldn't. I wish I could have both. I wish I could be here and back there at the same time. This progressive me, with that old security blanket tossed over the top of me. Wouldn't that be nice? Yea, it would. But that's like asking to have your cake and eat it too, huh? It's against the rules.

I think this is the most all over the place blog I have ever written. That's what happens when you're and insomniac with nothing to do. You rant and rave and ramble. Oh well, that's how it goes. I have no good end to this so I shall end it with a random phrase. Quoting Eric Matthews from Boy Meets World: "Life's tough, get a helmet."