Being True

Today, I find myself in a state a reflection. I suppose that's a state I should be in often, everyone should reflect on what's happening in their lives. But, I just think about what's going on in my life (and what isn't) and I'm trying to conclude some things. I'm trying to learn. The sad thing is, I think what I'm "learning" is something I knew all along. When you're involved in a sticky situation, it's not about making everyone "happy", that's crazy. When is that ever going to happen? It's about, at the end of the day feeling like you're a good person without having to justify all of your actions. When you stop caring about hurting people, then you stop caring about being decent. If you feel that you have the right to be selfish, which I believe that people do at one time or another, but are you ask yourself what it's costing you? Are you losing respect? Are you losing friends? Are you making mature and wise choices? Where is your future in all of this? It's complications like these that I don't need in my life. I think all along I knew it wasn't good enough but I was willing to wait for it to get there, and I finally said it out loud. Would it have ever gotten there? We will never know...

I am done making excuses. I am done making efforts. Things are clear and can never be changed. It's time to cut my losses, whatever those may be, and push forward.

A new beginning? Yes. Will I go to bed every night feeling good about myself? Yes. I have done no harm to anyone, and I know I am a good person. I have a heart full of love, I always have, and I always will. Hate will not grow inside of me, because that is not who I have ever been. But, like I said, I believe everyone has a right to be selfish at one time or another, and my time is now. I will be selfish in this way: By telling myself that I deserve the best. I deserve everything that I put into a relationship returned to me. And one day I know I will find that.

I leave you with some song lyrics that are dear to me from the Broadway musical Aida:

"We all lead such elaborate lives //We don't know whose words are true //Strangers, lovers, husbands, wives //Hard to know who's loving who //Too many choices tear us apart //I don't want to live like that //Too many choices tear us apart //I don't want to love like that.."


I'm Growing, and people who don't care about me, are going to be left behind. End of story.

Good Evening,

m.m.a.

P.S. Chuck Bass helped with the construction of this message.

Christmas Day Photos

Here are some pictures from Christmas!

1- arrangement at grandma's house

2- Dori relaxing after opening all er gifts :)

3- new member of family: Chuck Bass

4- new camera: Canon PowerShot SX100 IS (love)

5- sister, Justine, at grandma's enjoying the festivities

6- second cousin, Teddy, opening his presents while wearing his favorite present of the day: his Spiderman costume. He didn't take it off all day, there was a mask too!

Christmas and things..

First of all, MERRY CHRISTMAS! Today was a great day! Full of so many surprises, I never expected the gifts I would receive today. I got THE BEST gift ever. I received a 4 month old, holland lop rabbit. His name is Chuck Bass. I also got an awesome new camera that takes absolutely amazing pictures. I'm very excited to start taking a lot of fun pictures. I don't have time tonight, but pictures of Chuck Bass and today's activities will be posted on here in the next few days.

I've also made a decision in the last few days. I've been thinking a lot about Facebook and Twitter and it's not that I don't like them, but I just don't feel like updating lately. I love checking and seeing what my friends are up to and thing of that nature, but I just feel like anything I would post on Twitter or on my status on Facebook isn't really worth anyone reading right now.

I want to take time and write things that are meaningful and important, not just waste my time. My teachers always told me that if you want to become a better writer, you have to write. I never listened. I want to take some time to tap into my creative side. I never thought I had one, but I came to a realization: You'll never be artistic if you don't do art. You just have to DO art. ART. So, I'm going to give it a shot. I'm going to write. I'm going to take pictures. An old friend who I'm reconnecting with has recently taken up painting, and I might even try that. I have always been too afraid to let myself try and fail as something.

That's all for tonight. It's time for more quality Christmas activity.

m.m.a.

Vulnerability

I have always had issues with being vulnerable. I think a lot of people do. It's so hard to fully reveal yourself to another person, no matter how long you've known them or how close you are to them. This doesn't even mean sharing your deepest secrets, because usually those are just facts of embarrassment, I'm talking about saying those words that you don't know if you should say or not. Telling someone EXACTLY how you feel, even though you fear rejection, ridicule, or disagreement. In a previous class I took we were studying marriages and relationships in general and my professor told us that it takes approximately seven years to reach "true intimacy" in a relationship with another person. When I first heard that number, I thought it was crap. No way. Seven YEARS?? Then I thought about what the word "intimacy" actually meant. Sure, I think when most people hear it, they first think of sexual intimacy, but that is only one part of it. What about that vulnerability? I think that being intimate with someone means that you can be vulnerable with them. It means you can tell them anything, even if it's something that is going to hurt THEIR feelings, you have to be able to tell them, then you just have to figure out HOW to tell them. That's an intimate relationship. I don't know if I agree with that seven year approximation for reaching that, but I'm sure it takes time to get there in some areas more than others.

In talking about all of this, I've come to the conclusion that it's ok to put yourself out there sometimes with certain people in certain situations, but you have to be careful. Emotions can takeover, and although that can feel _amazing_, you have to protect yourself. I encourage people to be as honest with people as they can, i know full disclosure isn't always wise, I think eveyone should recognize that, but don't forget to communicate what should be communicated. You don't want to regret holding some things back. The most important thing is to be honest with yourself. Evaluate what and who are important to you and your life. Don't forget to think, but don't over analyze your life. Go to people for advice, but realize you have to take control of your own life and make your own decisions. And lastlly, find that balance between following your gut, your head, and your heart.

Good Evening,

m.m.a.

Relief?

I don't have much time, but I haven't gotten a post up in a few days, so here's a try. I just finished my last final, phew. While that feels good, i'm still nervous about grades and my future in terms of my education, but hey, i can worry about that tomorrow, right? I only got about 10 hours of sleep total these last few days, and if you know me, you know that's not normal, good, or healthy. And although the testing is complete, I still have some make up work that is due by friday morning that I must finish tonight/tomorrow. So, break isn't quite here yet. BUT, right now I must leave so that I can go pack up my room, hop in the car, and start the drive the Ball State and wonderful friend, Brandon Schenk :). Maybe I'll rope him into helping me with some make-up work...??

My mom told me she was proud of me today...for coming back to school, for taking finals, for even studying whens he knew it was hard to focus, and that made me feel good and somewhat relieved about some disappointing grades. But mom, you don't even know the half of it..

Good Evening,

m.m.a.

Anxious

So, I'm back at my apartment, and I feel so out of place. I know I'm not ready to be here, if it were my choice, I'd be at a hotel. I can't complain too much though, my awesome roommates printed off about 50 pictures of me with friends, family, pets, etc. and decorated my room with them before I got back here. They made cute designs with them, which brought me to tears when I walked in my room. It also helped that my mom, Laura (one of my roomies), and I rearranged some of the furniture in my bedroom. I have to sleep up there alone tonight, and I don't know how that is going to work out.

I really need to be studying, but I can barely bring myself to open a book. I just have so many memories and thoughts bouncing around in my head that there isn't any room for chemistry or nutrition to get in there. It's just this weird inner battle that I have never faced before. Somehow I have to overcome and do the RIGHT thing and study. STUDY STUDY STUDY.

So, here I go.

Goodnight.

m.m.a.

Travel

Good Morning,

Today my mom is driving my back to Bloomington so that I may take my finals that start on Monday evening. I'm having a little anxiety about the whole thing. Mostly about being on my own really. I know I won't though, I'll have Lo and Kayla, but I don't want to inhibit their studying too much. I'm the most nervous about the drive home alone, maybe I can work something out to break that up. A pit stop at Ball State?? Hm...looks like I better get in touch with Mr. Brandon Schenk. I know I'm not going to do well on these finals, which is very disappointing to me, but really I just want to leave this semester behind and start fresh on the next one. This one was supposed to be my best one yet, but we'll get 'em next time.

Good Day.

m.m.a.

UPDATE:

The pit stop at Ball State is all set for Wednesday night. :-)

New Direction

Although I do not have the time right now, I have decided to make this blog a place of healing and growth for me. I really want to keep up with it and update regularly. I'm not sure what I want it all to entail, perhaps weekly pictures, (hopefully I'll get that new camera for Christmas), perhaps my new diet and exercise regimen, career thoughts, thoughts of school and classes, etc.

I'm ready to move on and to find out who this new person is. I'm excited, I hope everyone else is excited for me too.

More to come, probably after finals. I'm done on Wednesday evening.

m.m.a.