History

I was watching the History Channel the other day and to my delight there was a show on about the Kennedy Family. I am absolutely obsessed with the Kennedy's and I'm not sure why. They were just fabulous, right?

<3

Chuck and Blair.
Cory and Topanga.
Romeo and Juliet.


All built on the same thing:

True love.

just a glance..

Here is a snip it of something i'm working on..more to come:

Chapter 10: A New Beginning

`Your life has changed, and so have you. Embrace this. It took me months to get here, and even though the pain was immense, I’m glad I went through it. I have never been the same, and I never want to be that girl again. She was fine, but I never knew the potential I had. I never knew the INDIVIDUALITY I possessed until now.

So...

Today I was watching America's Next Top Model reruns (of course) and I got to thinking. It would really suck to be in a profession where you constantly have to be what someone else wants you to be. You have to emulate their look, their style, and their vision. Although I am in love with the fashion industry, I don't think I could ever be a part of it. Ok, enough said about that.

:)

m.m.a.

This little guy...

....is quite possibly the love of my life. Miss him!

I'm so glad...

THIS IS BACK!!!!

i hate

MONEY. I HATE MONEY. I HATE MONEY. I HATE MONEY. I HATE MONEY. I HATE MONEY. I HATE MONEY. I HATE MONEY. I HATE MONEY. I HATE MONEY. I HATE MONEY. I HATE MONEY. I HATE MONEY. I HATE MONEY. I HATE MONEY. I HATE MONEY. I HATE MONEY. I HATE MONEY. I HATE MONEY. I HATE MONEY. I HATE MONEY. I HATE MONEY. I HATE MONEY. I HATE MONEY. I HATE MONEY. I HATE MONEY. I HATE MONEY. I HATE MONEY. I HATE MONEY. I HATE MONEY. I HATE MONEY. I HATE MONEY. I HATE MONEY. I HATE MONEY. I HATE MONEY. I HATE MONEY. I HATE MONEY. I HATE MONEY. I HATE MONEY. I HATE MONEY. I HATE MONEY. I HATE MONEY. I HATE MONEY. I HATE MONEY. I HATE MONEY. I HATE MONEY. I HATE MONEY. I HATE MONEY. I HATE MONEY. I HATE MONEY.

Let's do this...

School has started and after three days the load is already overwhelming. Even though it's a lot, I'm almost looking forward to getting into full swing. I want to get all organized and really stay on top of things this semester. I hope that I can do it and maintain a level of happiness and a sense of calm over my life. I am finally starting to feel like I am figuring out where I'm going in this world. I haven't figured it out in the details, but a general direction has been discovered. I'm excited, really excited actually. I want to do well and get through this because I am looking forward to an appealing and fulfilling future.

Best,

MMA

Endings..Beginnings?

The summer is wrapping up which means the school year will soon commence. I think this ending is leading to a great new beginning for almost everyone I know, including myself. Let's see what this new school year will bring to my life and to the lives of those I love. Here are some words of wisdom that I am paraphrasing from a movie:

What you FEEL doesn't matter. It's what you DO. What you DO to the people you SAY you love is what matters.

THINK ABOUT IT.

The silver lining..

If there is one good thing that came out of this summer's less than favorable events, it's a new friend. Or, an old friend who has now become a GREAT friend for LIFE.

:)

.:.

I love life.

I love Brandon.

I can't wait to love on Lo again.

I love great times.

I love Chuck.

I am happy!

Here's a secret..

You want to know how you REALLY know you no longer love someone...?

...it's the day you realize you have the ability to actually hate them.

The two cannot coexist towards one person, and if you have one, then you can't have the other.

I am a person who rarely uses the word "hate" in a serious way, but for now I'm ok with it.

I HATE what you did and how you treated me.

SOOOO..unless you become a completely different person, LEAVE ME ALONE.

M.M.A.

This bridge has been burned...

THIS IS NOT A POEM:

I always gave so much,
and you took it all,
never thinking how you could give back.
You were always satisfied.

Your lies consumed all your truths,
your purity gone.

Your welcome has been worn out,
too many selfish advantages taken,
too destructive to be repaired.

Love used to cloud my vision,
It let me believe you were enough.

I would never visit the very depths of my soul,
because that's where the real truth lives,
the part of me that always knew
you were never good enough.

My vision of you is 20/20 now,
one day you will see me that way,
and your apology won't be accepted.

Our story is just a tale of two kids
who don't exist anymore.

Tat

So, I want a tattoo. I know one for sure that I will be getting eventually. I will one day have an ovarian cancer ribbon tattoo somewhere. Location TBA. My mother is an ovarian cancer survivor, and my grandmother currently has it. That tattoo would really be for them, or in their honor i guess, so I would like to get another one that is just kind of for me. I've had a few ideas, but just can't decide what I would love for the rest of my life. The front runner right now is just getting "love, love, love" somewhere. It means something to me from my great grandma, who helped raise my sis and I.

hurrrrmmmmmm.....i have a feeling that I will never make a decision.

Huurrrr

Ok, so I have a hair appointment next week..what should I do with my haiiirrr?????

--I think we have a winner..??

Pushin 5am

So, I was thinking about summer today. Since it is summer right now, I was just thinking about how much I enjoy it. There will never be another time like this. The summer that I am in college, I am 21, I am in Bloomington at IU, I have no job, few responsibilities, and wonderful friends I can see almost whenever I want. This is it. This is supposed to be the greatest summer of my life, and I think so far I'm on course for making that come true. I'm having adventures with my friends, taking lots of pictures, going to class here and there, but overall..i'm just livin the dream. Next summer I will be in an internship somewhere, and the one after that...who knows.

I think it's kind of ironic that this summer has been so great, and yet sometimes I feel so alone. Maybe your highs don't feel quite as high if you haven't recently been down at a very deep low. Does that make sense? I think it does. Anyways. At times I have these great moments of confidence where I am completely content being alone, happy about it actually. But, other times...like now, when I'm on my freakin period and emotions seem to go haywire, I absolutely hate it.

I hate laying in bed alone at night and feeling like I've already talked to everyone I can. Then they all go to bed and I am left awake and alone with all of my thoughts. TV can distract sometimes and help put me to sleep, but other times...there is nothing. There is nothing I can do to fill the emptiness; it's heartwrenching.

Honestly, I can't remember the last time I went to sleep before 4am. There have maybe been 10 times in the last 8 months where I have achieved that. It's just that ever since that day, my world turned upside down and I've been fighting to flip it back over. I know many more wonderful things have happened in these last 8 months than I ever thought possible, so I am grateful. But, it's weird constantly trying to figure out who I am and where I belong. That thing that I let define me for so long, has been gone for a really long time, and every day I wake up knowing that it's gone, and that it's okay that it's gone.

It's a very strange feeling to have this awareness of 'what used to be' versus 'what is'. It's almost like you can feel them both at the same time. If I close my eyes and think really hard...for a moment, I can feel that security I used to have, just for a moment...and then it's gone. Then I snap out of it and realize where I really am now. I see how far I've come, how much I've changed, really...I see how much I've grown up since I last had that feeling of security every day of my life. And I wouldn't trade where I am now for where I used to be, I really wouldn't. I wish I could have both. I wish I could be here and back there at the same time. This progressive me, with that old security blanket tossed over the top of me. Wouldn't that be nice? Yea, it would. But that's like asking to have your cake and eat it too, huh? It's against the rules.

I think this is the most all over the place blog I have ever written. That's what happens when you're and insomniac with nothing to do. You rant and rave and ramble. Oh well, that's how it goes. I have no good end to this so I shall end it with a random phrase. Quoting Eric Matthews from Boy Meets World: "Life's tough, get a helmet."

MJ

Today I tuned in to watch the Micheal Jackson Memorial that took place at The Staples Center in LA today. I didn't get to watch the whole thing, but I caught bits and pieces. The emotions really reached me as people, who are famous, got up and spoke, performed, and just told stories in honor of Micheal Jackson. It was amazing to seem them get up there, because they weren't there because they are celebrities, they werent' there for the publicity, they were there as friends. I found myself with goosebumps as Jennifer Hudson performed "Will you be there" backed up by the choir. I love the part of the song where Micheal speaks, and here is what he says:

"In Our Darkest Hour, In My Deepest Despair
Will You Still Care?
Will You Be There?
In My Trials And My Tripulations
Through Our Doubts And Frustrations
In My Violence, In My Turbulence
Through My Fear And My Confessions
In My Anguish And My Pain
Through My Joy And My Sorrow
In The Promise Of Another Tomorrow
I'll Never Let You Part
For You're Always In My Heart."

He was the King and he will live on forever.

RIP MJ

<3

Post-Its

I wish I had this kind of creativity, patience, and passion.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BpWM0FNPZSs

I need to write a new blog soon.


I'm thinking a very summery post is on the way..

Loyal

Well I promised a blogpost the other day, so I better get to it! I said that if I had to choose one quality that I KNOW I have, I think it's loyalty. I have had the same best friends for nearly my entire life. I could never imagine turning my back on any of them, and I can't imagine they would do that to me either. I value that a lot. If anyone ever needs a way to truly upset me, betray me in some way, that will do the trick. I just think being loyal to people you love and care for is important because many other things have to go along with that for it to be real. You have to possess respect, trust, honesty, and integrity.

4 new(ish) dresses :]

1-Charlotte Russe (and my favorite)
2-Charlotte Russe
3-Calvin Klein via T.J. Maxx
4-Charlotte Russe again (only cost $10!)

Summer is here, so I've got my party dresses fit for different occasions. :-)

m.m.a.

The Run Around

I don't like being given the run around, as I call it. Just be upfront, be bold, be honest. I truly value people who go after what they want. I guess I need to take some of my own advice on this one, but I guess I want to be wanted, and not have to go after it on my own.

Oh the life of a 21-year-old single college girl....

Ok, back to studying. :(


~m.m.a.

A study break for LOVE

So, I've decided to take a study break and write a new post while I eat my very fattening Chic-fil-A sandwich and fries. Lately I've been pondering the idea of love, first love and young love mainly. And, I think I now understand why people always say that your first love will always be different from all the rest in your life. If you find your first love at a young age, you most likely TRULY believe that you have found your perfect match. You whole-heartedly believe that you two will end up together, and you probably have an "its us against the world" type of attitude. That is what makes first loves are so much different than anything else you will find in your life. Most people who find this in their teens don't believe they have found their "first love", they believe they have found their ONLY love. I know that's surely what I thought. And while being in love that way makes it 1000 times more difficult when/if things don't work out, it is also what makes it so beautiful. You are completely fearless in this love. And sure, that's what makes it naive at the same time, but that's why there isn't anything else like it. How many times in your life can you say you're absolutely confident that nothing could possibly go wrong? It's that type of haphazzard bravery that you only have when you're young. You haven't been jaded by having your heart broken, so you don't even entertain that possibility in your mind. If you are lucky enough to be with your "first love" for the rest of your life, then that is amazing, because it means you were right. Nothing went wrong, and you actually did find your perfect match. But, for the rest of us, we have to go on, having had our hearts broken, and be brave enough to dive in again. That's why all future relationships will be different after that first big break up. You know what that pain feels like, and fearing that feeling again might make you approach things differently.

I'm not sure if I'm getting my point across as clearly as I had hoped, but I know what I mean and that's all that maters. All I know is, nobody's life goes according to plan. Something will always pop up that you had no idea would, and that is what keeps life interesting. Am I glad I got my heart broken? Hell no. But, I'm a better and stronger person for having lived through it, that's for sure. To be cliche, you live and you learn. And I surely did learn my lesson. Life isn't a fairytale, but you can make it a hell of a good story nonetheless.

Ok, back to work. =)

m.m.a.

A few of my favorite things...

--my new blue shades
--my coral satin trench coat
--my green suede shoes
--my Easter Bunny: CHUCK

<3

Jon McLaughlin

Tonight I've just been laying in my bed and listening to music and looking up lyrics to songs. I like to look at just the lyrics to songs sometimes because I feel like that's the original art. It's the poetry. And, usually, it's the part that speaks to me the most. This weekend I listened to an artist named Jon McLaughlin. I first discovered Jon when I went to and event my freshmen year called "After Dark" hosted by Cru here at IU. Jon was the opening act for the program. He is from Anderson, Indiana and has a really cool story. Besides the fact that he is a textbook hottie, some of his songs just speak to me. I wish I could write poetry and music and speak to people that way. Here are my favorite lyrics:

From "Indiana" (the title track of his 2007 album):

"I'm glad i never lived next to the water
So I could never get used to the beach
And I'm glad I never grew up on a mountain
To figure out how high the world could reach
I love the miles between me and the city
Where I quietly imagine every street
And I'm glad I'm only picturing the moment"

From "Human":

"Can you tell me how we got in this situation
I can't seem to get you off my mind
All these ups and downs they
They trip up our good intentions
Nobody said this was an easy ride

After all, we're only human
Always fighting what we're feeling
Hurt instead of healing
After all we're only human
Is there any other reason
Why we stay instead of leaving
After all

Can we get back to the point in this conversation
Where we saw things through each other's eyes
Cause now all I see is ruin and devastation
We all need some place we can hide inside"

That is all from me tonight.

Good evening,

M.M.A.

?

Sometimes I can feel myself breaking down. Usually, it's not because of other people, it's because of myself. The one person in my life that frustrates me the most is me. I do things and don't know why I do them. And the opposite. I don't do things I should and have no excuse why. It's so hard to change when you are the only person holding yourself accountable. But, that's just it, I am the only person responsible for me. Maybe the thought of that right now is just too scary for me. I've recently realized that I haven't really been challenged in my life. Yes, I know it is my job to challenge myself if I want that, but I'm talking about since I started school. I feel I was never challenged to reach a higher potential. I wasn't tested for "spice" and instead breezed my way through junior high with all A's every single grading period (except one B+ in band that we don't talk about). For me, school was easy, and not very challenging at all. I'm not a genius, not even close, but I really did coast my way through elementary school, jr. high, and most of high school. I didn't coast because I was lazy, I think I got lazy because I had always been able to coast. I'm not sure if that even makes sense, but I kind of understand what it means. I have realized that I approach school now in the same way that I used to. I was never taught any different.
Some parents feel they should push their children to become great at...something. Whatever they choose. Whether it's a sport, school, music, or all three they usually push their kids. My parents didn't really push me. I'm not blaming them for anything, more just trying to understand myself. Trying to understand how I grew into this 21-year-old college junior at Indiana University. I spend so much time trying to understand others and their backgrounds that I have forgotten to examine my own.

Sometimes I'm sad and I can't even pin point why. I try to blame it on the easy thing, but it's usually not the case. I think I make myself sad. I get so disappointed in myself internally, that it depresses me.

Today, on the car ride back from Indianapolis, Lo and I listened to "Reflection" from the move Mulan. Listening to disney songs always brings back great memories for me, but this silly song acutally made me think. What does my reflection show? Not my physical reflection, because let's face it, no woman is ever 100% happy with that situation, but I mean my reflection as a person. What does my life reflect about me? Not a whole lot, I'd say. Sometimes there are those things that say like, "choose three words to describe yourself". When I try to think of three words or adjectives, I have no idea what ones to choose. I don't know what my three words are.

I guess I'm learning that I still really need to come into my own. Whatever that is. It's such a general statement, but I feel like I know what it means now. I don't know, exactly where to begin, but some changes must be made.

College is rough. End of story.

Sincerely,

Marisa Michelle Amos

Who Are You?

Sometimes I look at people and I wonder if they are living life they way they thought they would be at this point. Are you that person you thought you'd be, or have you turned into one of those people you used to make fun of or look down on? I feel like in college a lot of people fall into the "college life" and don't even realize it. If that's what you're into and that's what you're comfortable with, then go for it. But, if you always wanted to be someone who was different, who didn't fall into that stereotype, who are you? Why are you acting like that person you never wanted to become? Of course it's fun, but is it worth it? Please don't get me wrong, I'm all for having fun and a great time, now is the time of your life to do that. But, at the same time, I don't want that to be the only thing I remember about college. I want to look back and say, wow, I had a really great time, but it was more than that too.

That is all for now.

Good Night,

m.m.a.

photoblog

sometimes my hair is messy, but I smile anyways.

sometimes I love my IU flag.

sometimes, the purple in my hair makes me a little giddy.

sometimes, I'm just...me.

I Am Second

So, this afternoon I was messing around on Facebook and avoiding my homework, as usual. When I looked at the status updates of my friends at the top of the list was someone who had posted a link to a website as their status. I decided to click and check it out. The link brought me to a website called "I Am Second." (www.iamsecond.com) This is a site I have never heard of or been exposed to before. I started to check it out and I began watching some of the videos on the site. I was immediately moved and inspired by the people's stories. It lead me to think of my own story, my own testimony, and my own faith. Am I putting myself second? No..I don't think I am.

I consider myself to be a Christian. When I was growing up my family went to church every Sunday and I sat there with my sister and cousins and drew on the little pieces of paper in the pews with the tiny little pencils. Then we would go to "Children's Time" up int he front of the church before being dismissed to either Sunday school. I was also in the children's choir for a short time. I have a ton of memories at that Church, but hardly any of them includ anything about God. As my sister and I got older we started to get lazy and we wouldn't want to wake up for church. My parents evenutally gave in to the struggle and we stopped going. I went through most of junior high and high school not knowing what it ACTUALLY meant to be a Christian.

The image I had in my head about Christians quickly developed as I grew older. I saw them as people who would judge me and wouldn't accept me for some reason. I saw them as mean at times, and very biased. I didn't like what I saw in these people, and that's why I never tried to just understand them. I was put-off by the whole thing. I didn't want to be involved, I didn't care, I didn't believe. It's unfortunate that many people act the way I described. They are unkind, but usually with better intentions than they are displaying. The fire running through them comes from a good place, but many people would never know it.

My senior year of high school brought a lot of change to my life. New boyfriend, choosing a college, and I found my faith this year as well. When my boyfriend at the time took me a long to youth group one night, I was nervous beyond belief. I did not want to go into that situation and be around that "type" of people. I stuck to him like glue. But, being there was fun. The people were great! They were nice and friendly and they made me feel comfortable. I found a change in myself that night. I began to feel something different. We were praying for a student's family from another school that had just been killed in a car accident, and that's when I first noticed it. I felt so much faith surrounding me, it was very strange at first. I found myself lifting my head and just looking at everyone else who was praying so hard. I started to feel very emotional during the prayer just seeing everyone else praying with their eyes closed and hands held with one another. I recognized it as beautiful.

At the end of youth group was the time when worship happened through music. I found the words and meaning behind each song were saying so much more than was actually written. Of course I could barely sing along with any of them because I didn't know the words or the tune really. But, I mostly tried to observe and take in what was going on around me. Sure, you have those younger kids who are goofing off, but there are also the rest of the people. The ones that are standing there and they are singing whole-heartedly. They believe in the words on the screen and they sing them like they believe them. It made me want to believe everything they were believing. I wanted to feel what they were feeling, and that night, I had already felt different. I think I actually felt God in my life for the first time that day.

After a few more weeks of youth group and Sunday services, I felt I was ready to say the prayer and accept Jesus into my heart. I was ready to be "saved." After I did this, I really felt different. I felt like now, I had God whenever I needed him. I wanted to pray and I wanted that security in my life, and I had it.

These days things are different for me. Being a Christian is kind of a constant struggle to do what you know is right. I know I have to ability and the time to be that person I want to be, but sometimes I just feel like it's hard to accomplish at this age. there are so many options of what I could be doing that it's almost like I'm procrastinating being that person. Like I just tell myself that I'll have the time and the responsibility to do that later in life. It's something I struggle with. I am still a Christian, but I haven't been a very strong one lately. I'm not doing anything with my faith or for God right now. It eats away at me at times, but other times I know I'll find the way.

I want to start praying every night again before I fall asleep. It's not like it takes much, you know? But, for some reason it's so easy to just skip it and go to sleep. I used to pray every night for my family, my rommates, my other friends, and other people that I care about it in my life. I'm going to start doing that again. It's not exactly where I want to be, but it's a start at getting back on track.

Life:

I need to get my life together. I need to stop being so lazy and just riding the wave and be more proactive about certain things.

Item 1) School- I need to work harder at my school work to finish it on time. No more putting things off until 2am. I need to start earlier and work more diligently.
Item 2)Room- I need to keep up the cleanliness of my room and Chuck's cage as well. I just feel like when your room is clean, it sets the tone for a clean and clutter-free life.
Item 3) Body-I have gained unwanted pounds since school started up again, and that needs to stop. I need to get my butt in the gym and stop the junk food crave.
Item 4) Health- I currently have a sinus infection accompanied with strep throat. I feel as though I could have prevented this if I would have just taken my vitamins I bought and got some better sleep.
Item5) Sleep-I need to go to bed earlier and wake up earlier. This crazy sleep schedule is probably most of the reason I'm feeling so unhealthy.
Item 6) Car- I need to clean my car and keep it that way. I also need to get my oil changed and make sure I keep up with that. The poor baby has enough problems as it is.
Item 7) Job-Don't have one. NEED ONE.

I think that once I take the necessary steps to get these things in order, I will just have less stress and more enjoyable time to do other things.

There I have put this in writing, so that means I can't back out. Right? Hope so.

Back to studying now.

Good Evening,

m.m.a.

They don't understand..

I don't see why it's so hard for guys to grasp the concept of how us ladies think sometimes. Let me tell you what I'm talking about exactly. Guys don't understand why it's such a big deal if they want to cancel a plan with you to go hang out with friends or something. Now even if this plan was nothing major and completely casual, a girl will most likely be sad and disappointed if this plan gets canceled for a reason she doesn't understand. You see, if she doesn't understand the reason then she will think it's because you don't want to hang out with her. That guy can tell her that's not the reason, but if he wanted to be hanging out with you...he would.

Now, don't get me wrong. I'm not saying that guys can't cancel plans on a lady-friend if the appropriate situation calls for it, but don't do it just to hang out with other people. Because, most likely, this girl you canceled on, has tried to look cute for you. Maybe she did her hair and threw on some make-up just for this casual hang out. Maybe she put on a shirt she knew that you liked and sprayed it with perfume she knows you like as well. When a girl likes a guy, every "hang out" is important to them, even if it's not a date. I'm not saying it's life or death here, but they think about this stuff usually. We analyze to try and figure out how things are going and what we can do to make you like us even more or at least keep you interested. Right ladies?

A word of advice to you gentlemen out there: Don't text 15 minutes before you are supposed to hang out with a girl that you are "dating" or might date or just even like and you know she likes you back, even if it's to just watch a stupid TV show with her, and CANCEL with no good reason in mind. And actually, this really goes for all people. You don't just cancel a plan with someone on such short notice for no good reason. It just makes you look rude and inconsiderate. It makes it seem like that plan was now trumped by something else that was better that came along. And when you know what the person is choosing to do instead of that plan you had with them and it's just something normal and unexciting, then you'll feel like crap. Because it's like, "Really? That is why you canceled on me? To go eat food court food with your friend you've been hanging out with all day? Oh, okay. I guess that's better then hanging out with me."

Sorry for my dating rant. I'm done now, and I feel better. :)

Good Evening,

m.m.a.

Fresh.

Sometimes things get a chance to start anew. That doesn't mean the past has disappeared, but it means that the present can be something positive and fresh. I'm comfortable with my situation, and I'm actually quite happy with everything that is happening in my life right now. Oh, and my birthday is on Friday. -21-

PARTY!

Winter Love

My favortite days of winter are the rarest days in the world. It's those days where we already have a nice blanket of snow on the ground, maybe 6" or even a foot, but the sun is shining as if it were July. Even though it is bright on these days, it's still cold, very cold...frigid. There are still clouds in the sky that are sprinkling the ground with those nickel-sized, perfect snowflakes. There is no harsh wind on a day like that, just the brisk air, white snow, and trickling flakes that are in no hurry to reach the earth's surface. Maybe it's because I'm a winter baby, but I live and I love for those days. Sometimes I think that is what love feels like to me. The perfect winter day. It's easy to find the perfect summer, spring, or fall day. But, a PERFECT winter day is not easy to come by. You never know when a day like that is going to happen. The weather man can't tell you, and you can't wake up knowing. You just have to walk outside and feel it. You have to look up and feel those flakes land slowly on your cheeks. When you do, then you'll know. Just like love.

Everyone, including myself, complains about winter. It's such a struggle. You get excited for the snow, for the sledding, for the snowball fights...but then, you realize it's cold, and then you hate the snow and the freezing rain, and everything else that comes with Indiana winters. You are ready for Spring before January even begins. I have been a ball of complaints about this cold weather for the last week or so, but I'm going to stop now. I'm going to start hoping for a perfect winter day. Maybe I won't get to see one this year. They are more likely to happen up north instead of down here where we don't get as much snow, but maybe I'll get something close while I'm here. Maybe I will see a Bloomington version of my perfect winter day. I'm going to keep filling my heart with joy and hope because that is the kind of person I want to be. Not that I want to be /Miss Annoyingly Happy All The Time/, but I want to go through life knowing love is out there, just like those perfect winter days. You can't go out there expecting it will happen today or find you tomorrow, but have faith that it will someday.

Good Day,

m.m.a.

Some Food for Thought

Today was the first day that I cooked an actual meal in a very long time. I almost forgot how much I love to cook. While I was preparing my food, I thought about how so many things in our lives must be carefully calibrated, just like the way we cook a meal. Some things can't be rushed. You can't just turn up the heat and give in to your extreme hunger so that the meat will cook faster, the outside will get burned and the center will be left raw. Your meal will be ruined before you realize your mistake. Then you will be left unfulfilled and probably hungrier than before. Food, like many aspects and other things in our lives, is very delicate. Preparing it takes time, patience, and care. If you want the end result to be satisfying then you have to take the necessary steps to make sure it gets there.

Lots of things in life tempt us to just rush in and turn up that heat, but we forget how easy it is to get burned. All we think about at the time is how hungry we are. It's a great thing to be able to have a certain patience, because I think people that have patience are people that show a lot of strength. That is the kind of person I want to be. I want to live my life with a lot more strengths than weaknesses.
I'm working on it.

Good Evening,

m.m.a.

Normal-a sliding scale.

It has been way too long since I have posted anything on here, so here it goes. I don't think my lack of blogging has been due to lack of subjects, it think it's because I have too many to choose from. First, let's start out by announcing that it is 4:07am and I am awake. I'm not just awake, I'm WIDE awake. This is what break does to people, it messes schedules up, and bad. I stay up late, and then hate myself for sleeping late the next day, what a waste of daylight. I wish I was one of those people who could just run on nothing. You know? Those people who just never seem to need sleep or a nap or to rest at all. They just GO...all the time. I'm not one of those people. I love to sleep. I feel sleep is the ultimate form of relaxation, rejuvination, and many other "re" words. Come next week when classes start, and I have to change this schedule my body has been on completely, it's not going to be pretty for a few days. I'll be cranky and tired all day, many naps will surely be taken. But, a new schedule will soon form, and things will feel "normal" once again.

That brings me to my next subject. This concept of normalcy, what does that mean for me? The word normal is one that is talked about and studied inside and outside of classrooms today. What does it mean to you? To society? How does it relate to other societies? When I think about the word right now, I think only about what it means to me. What is normal-feeling to Marisa? I ask myself this question becuase I don't think I've felt very normal (for how it pertains to me) in a pretty long time. As things keep changing and twisitng in my life, it slightly shifts that hint of normality I may have felt. A conversation happens and it changes things, there's another shift. I'm constatntly on this push and pull with my own life. I think this is part of becomming an adult. You have to learn to find this balance when things change. I've learned that the only way to find this balance every day, or when things shift and change, is to simply tell yourself that you are in control of your life. You have to know where YOU are in your own life. Once you know that, you can better handle curve balls that life throws at you.

I've learned that my life is ever-changing, there will never be a moment where it will just stand still. Who wants that, anyway? I want to keep growing and learning and sharing and playing.

The title of this blog is "Growth" for a reason. I have to keep moving forward with my life, whatever that means. I have to be in a position where I feel comfortable, where I don't feel pain and regret. I have to make sure that I am putting myself in that position every day. I am in control of where I am in my own life, and so are you.

good morning,

m.m.a.